Yo Mismo

Hey everyone , i suck at keeping up with this thing. Sorry about that. I have tried to write this post several times now.  I'm not here today to make a huge post, just something I desperately need to put out here and finally let it go. 

I had a friend that i met in highschool and thought was my best friend. The friendship started after I had

already had a crush on the guy for a while and finally told him I had feelings for him. I dint expect anything

to come out of it, I simply didn't want to be stuck with those feelings inside. 

We played rugby together, walked to the bus stop almost every day together, we talked a lot, especially

back then. I invited him to go to my first concert with me, because I trusted and felt safe around him, and

wanted him there. Our parents even hit it off great.

This turned into 3 years of us going out to shows, him and his family coming to my house, us going to his.

except for a couple of times he paid for some drinks, i always paid for everything when we went out. One

of the biggest reasons was because I was always the one to invite him and they were always shows and

bands I enjoyed, so why would I expect him to spend money on these outings since it was for things I

wanted to go to. If he really didn't want to go, he'd say no, right?

I thought things were good. That he understood me in a way that no one else really did. 

He finally got a girlfriend, someone that actually lives in the area, and he changed. He stopped messaging as much, and didn't answer as often. I just thought maybe he really was so busy between work, school and his girlfriend. But then he posts about getting together with friends and it was just his girlfriend and a guy he met in uni. I think that would bother most people, seeing who they thought was their bestfriend post something like that, not having heard about getting together, and feeling like you're not really their friend in comparison to two people he hasn't known for that long. 

I messaged him later on asking about what happened. I always try to keep good communication and

understanding with my friends. I was essentially blown off about it and told that it was just something

really small and last minute. Fine. Whatever then. 

I noticed soon after that he isn't messaging me much anymore, it was getting harder and harder to get a response from him. One night we found out about a bad situation with someone on a motorcycle over by his house. I was so worried because I know he and his dad are on them often. I tried messaging and asking if they were okay and nothing. I had to message his mom and she told me that they were all fine, and when i said that he hasn't responded to me in a while, she said he got a new phone. But I was messaging him on Facebook, so????

I let this situation go, giving the benefit of doubt that maybe he was just overly busy wth school, work and

his new relationship.

Another friend that I met through medical school and I introduced to this guy messaged him, asking if he had talked to me recently. From here everything went downhill. He told her that he was distancing himself from me, to focus on everything else. Which doesn't makes sense to me, because why would you leave any of your friends behind like that?

I messaged him, and confronted him over why he isn't answering me. In between everything that got

said, his issues was that he felt like a babysitter when we went out, felt uncomfortable in my house and

didn't expect me to act the way I do when we went out.

Side Note: I was tested when I was younger for autism and again when I was 18 due to some things my

mom noticed. I've never been quite normal anyways, so it wasn't a surprise to me. Haha. 

He was one of the first people I told about me being autistic and he just accepted it. He didn't have any

crazy questions or say I wasn't like others did. I thought he understood what it meant. 

So I guess it was unexpected for him when I didn't like jumping around and being in the middle of things at

these shows and concerts we would go to. 

That night when I confronted him he said that we could go out again if it wasn't an inconvenience to me,

referring to me acting the way he expected. I told him that I didn't want to go out knowing that I'm just an

inconvenience that won't meet his expectations. And we haven't talked since. To this day I still don't

understand why he didn't try communicating his issues with me the way I had with him. 

This is such a jumbled up mess, May 25th will have been a year and I've just been carrying this around with me. His words hurt so bad, I cried so many nights after. I cried to my parents, wondering what I actually did wrong, why i wasn't enough the way I am. I felt like I was grieving, like my friend had died. When I told another friend about the situation, she told me that he did, or at least the person I thought he was did. The person that understood and accepted me. That I thought enjoyed being around and spending time with me, just because. I got over the crush I had for him a long time ago, but I still cared so deeply and wanted him in my life. 

They say that every person that comes into your life is for a reason, to teach you some kind of lesson.

Only thing I learned from him was how to go out on my own after he didn't want to be around me

anymore. I was pushed to go out on my own, unless I wanted to miss out on so many of the things I

love. 

So I guess I have him to thank for that. I don't wish him any bad will, I hope he thrives in the life he's

chosen and the path he's creating for himself. But this is me letting go. I'm letting go so I can be myself,

for myself. So I can advance and continue developing as a person. So I can find and meet other people

that are worth having in my life and that are here with me because they want to be. I found peace in

others telling me that i wasn't in the wrong for anything i said, and that better people are out there.

An apology for taking so long to put something out for all of you. Hope you're all doing well. 

P.S. This was not thoroughly proofread like other posts, because I truly can't bring myself to read it all again.

Here to Stay

Hello everyone, I'm here to vent. Straight up, I need to let this out because I am so angry and sad and frustrated right now. This matter just so happens to do with being Mexican American like some of you are and is probably a situation that you have or will be in at some point.

Wednesday I went with a classmate/friend from school, we’ve chatted and been friends since we first got into the program together. We were going to meet up with her best friend who is also in the same program and so I could pick up some books I needed from the school. While waiting on the best friend, another girl we knew from our first semester decided to join us.

Getting to the point of my current distress, throughout the day of us hanging out, there were a few comments from the other girls (not my friend) that made me uncomfortable, but I got over the bumps and left it be, since it had been so long since I had been out like that.

The true issue started when, while leaving the school for the last time that day, the topic of discussion came to me being american and my heavy accent. I was asked to say “ferrocarril”, which is supposed to be hard due to having to roll the Rs. I said it just fine. I was continuously called gringa, which I absolutely hate. After having been asked how long i was in the US and responding 11 years I was essentially told that they would stop calling me gringa when i was here in Mexico for 11 years. I've only been here for 8.

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with the word gringa. It typically means a white person from the US. It has evolved into meaning anyone from the US, I've seen black americans here in Mexico being referred to as gringos. My problem with myself being called gringa is that I am Mexican.

I am Mexican and I am proud of it. At this point in my life I have made the choice to make this my home, to put roots down. I'm not leaving unless I have to. These girls pretty much ignored me when I told them I am Mexican, they wouldn't listen. I am so frustrated about this because I have fought to stay here. I fought an internal battle with myself when I was younger, one where I nearly gave in and went back to the US. It shouldn't matter if I haven't been here longer than I lived in the US, because I made the decision to make Mexico my home. So to have somebody say that I have to be here the same amount of time that I was in the US so they'll stop calling me gringa, so they'll stop calling me a term that is associated with being American and fully disregard the fact that I am Mexican, it hurts. It makes me question whether other people see me as Mexican or not, or how long will it be until it's not questioned anymore.

I know some of you understand this, feeling like you can’t belong on either side of the border. Getting judged no matter what for the other part of your identity.

When I was telling my parents about this, my mom said she was surprised I didn't walk away and leave, but it was either figure out how to get home by myself or deal with it and stick with my friend that was supposed to help me get back. So I stayed. They told me that if these girls were going to act like this towards me, then I should be mean and rude back. The thing is, I just can't be mean to people on purpose. What makes me any different than them if I stoop to their level?

If this happens again, maybe I will walk away. Show them that it's not okay and that I'm not going to let them talk like that about me. I wasn't prepared for this, I thought that being older, more mature, people wouldn't be like this. I didn't expect to be dealing with the same problems I did in elementary and middle school while being in University.

So yeah, I cried about it after. For some it might not be a big deal, but I'm not one to let go of things that question who I am easily. But things will be okay. Things will get better eventually. Next time I see either of them, maybe ill say something about it, maybe I won't. Either way, I needed to let this out. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking around.


Stay safe, wear your mask. It's okay to not be okay, I wasn't and now I feel a bit better. <3

I Am Human

Hello my lovely readers. This post is long overdue, but very much needed. I have tried writing about this topic twice already. I want to keep things simple for this. It needs to stay simple or it is going to drive me crazy and get confusing. This is my coming out post.


I am non binary. My pronouns are she/her and they/them.


Maybe some of you already know from my mom, but its not something I have ever publicly announced and put into words like this. I came out to my parents in August 2019, so its been 2 years. I've told maybe 3 or 4 close friends since then.


According to Wikipedia, : “Non-binary or genderqueer is an umbrella term for gender identities that are neither male nor female‍—‌identities that are outside the gender binary.”

You will find many definitions similar to this one, some more in depth than others.

For me personally, it means that I don't feel like a fit into a certain box. I feel somewhere outside of the boxes. I still very much outwardly express my gender as feminine, but the way I feel inside doesn't feel like it should even go into a category.


There are so many different labels to go by that can further define the way you feel too. Like bigender, demigirl/boy, agender, genderflux, the list seems endless. I'm still trying to figure out if one of these labels fits me, but for now I'm comfortable and happy with being just non binary.

And if you are questioning your gender identity, you are not alone. If you're reading this you already know one other person.


I have a friend, right here in monterrey, that is genderfluid. Her pronouns are she/her and they/them. I met them through listening to some of the same local bands and her being in one. I asked them if she wanted to tell you all what being genderfluid is to her. This is what they said: “Well, being Genderfluid is kind of a funny mess, cause sometimes I feel completely certain of how I want to present myself to the world or how I feel, and some other times I have absolutely no idea; I just start trying on some clothes, accessories and fixing my hair till it kinda becomes clearer.

Same with my pronouns, I mean I’ve always used “she/her”, but I’ve come to discover that I enjoy being called “handsome” or “dude”, so I think that’s also a trial and error thing; experimenting on myself first to see what I feel comfortable with and when people ask, I’ll know what to say.

I do sometimes worry about what the people close to me are gonna think or say, but I’m working on that.

In the end it’s all about feeling comfortable with yourself.”


So no, you are not alone, wherever you are.


My gender identity has nothing to do with the reproductive parts I was born with and everything with how I see myself. It's something that isn't solid for me, a year from now it could change. The one thing i can tell you all for sure is that i am do not fit into the box of a cisgender girl.

I don't feel like a man, but I also don't feel like I fit into what society in general accepts as what a woman is supposed to be.


It hasn't been easy, my parents still question it. My mom even said that maybe I’m not actually non binary and that it was the recently found out autism that made me feel different. She's asked before why i put a label on it, but if i don't then everyone else around will do it for me and i do not want that. But she has also defended me against others and that means the world to me. My dad has made some very mean comments on accident, but he realized what was wrong and apologized for it. But they have never purposefully tried to hurt me with what they say. I am surrounded by people who are willing to grow and accept me and I’m so grateful for how lucky I was to get my parents.


I wanted to keep this short and simple. If any of you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

The song I chose for this post's title is from Escape The Fate. I'll leave the link here. It helped me a lot, so when I got to see them live for my birthday in 2019, I had the guitarist write me some lyrics out for a tattoo.

Stay safe and drink water. Never let anyone dampen your inner light and try to define you as someone or something you're not. And remember, like always. It's okay to not be okay.

Festival Underground 12

   Hey lovelies. How are you today? Continuing my telling of concert/band experiences from these past couple months, this time I will bet writing about two bands that are pretty special. The next one is VERY important and dear to me. If you read my last post, you'll remember reading a second about Into The Sea. 

   I first heard about them when they were announced as an opening band for Escape The Fate. I checked a couple of their songs, realized they sang in English, that they were from Saltillo (an hour away from Monterrey), and that they sounded great. But to my misfortune, I didn't pay them the time they needed for me to really get into them before the concert. I was too obsessed with learning every ETF lyric I could so I knew every word at the concert.
   That night at the concert they played first before Frida, the other opening band. I didn't know any of the lyrics, names of the songs, or band members. But when I heard them play, it was like something clicked. Something felt right hearing them play and watching them on stage. There is only one other band that I connected with the same way,although I haven't seen them live, and that is As It Is. After that, I made sure to follow them on all of their social media and I listened to every single song.

   A couple of weeks after the concert they created a Facebook group and invited everyone that liked the page. I don't know if it was because I accepted the invite first or what, but I was made moderator automatically by the group. I messaged the band page asking about it and if they had any rules. They messaged me back and said it was an accident, but that I could stay on if I wanted to. I , of course, said yes and offered to help with any social media or marketing. I thought of post ideas and now do my best to keep the group active. On the bands first post I commented that I saw them at the ETF concert and couldn't wait to see them again. They commented back and said they were going to be playing here in Monterrey again at Festival Underground in Cafe Iguana on December 8th.

   Long story short, they liked the way I interacted with the group and after a bit the bassist DM’ed me asking if I would be up to helping them with their social media. I can't find a word to describe the exact way I felt. I was excited and surprised. I never expected them to actually want me to help them. Why would they? From what I could tell, I was just some fan. I thought I was being weird, offering to help. There was this moment after I listened to the voice messages and after I told my mom, but before I actually answered him that I felt like I was in one of those cheesy band fanfictions. Ya know, where out of nowhere the girl somehow gets noticed by her favorite band and eventually meets them, even though all odds are against her? Like that.
   So when I finally responded, we talked a little about what I would do, I made sure to let him know I am still in school and we sort of agreed to meet at Festival Underground.

   Festival Underground was the first time I went to Cafe Iguana. It was 40 bands playing on 4 different stages from 1 to like 11pm. All local bands and all rock or alternative. My parents, brother and best friend all went with me. It was supposed to be a family event, so why not. I don't particularly like being around a lot of people, but in regards to the music and I guess the style of the crowd, I was in my element there. I know other people my age that like the same music and bands as me, but I'm the only one that really got into dressing darker and always wearing band shirts. I was always the odd one out like that, but I felt comfortable at that event. If any of you ever feel like the odd one out because of the way you dress or something you like, DO NOT CHANGE to fit in with the crowd. I promise you that you will find other people just like you at some point. Be you and do or like what makes you happy.
   We got to the event at the beginning because I didn't want to miss any bands. A few bands I saw that I liked and didn't know about before were You Suck!, Between Cycles, Landers and Mision Kepler. I recommend any of these, a couple are really just now starting out and don't have any material out yet, but the others you can look up on youtube.

   Okay, finally getting to where I actually met Into The Sea. Me and my family had gone next door for pizza at this place that Cafe Iguana has called Pizza Iguana (how original, right?). We went back at like 4:30 and the band WAS THERE. We went back in, walked around for a bit and I saw them watching another band. It was the bassist Athanel (who had messaged me about helping them out) and the guitarist Kike. I was terrified. I am so ridiculously shy and was nervous because I was worried that I would fumble over my words or that they would think I was too weird. I mean, I am weird, but I don't necessarily want other people to think or know that. My mom almost literally pushed me to go introduce myself. I walked up to them, tapped on Athanel’s shoulder, they turned around and we said hi. After that I wasn't so nervous anymore. We all went back over to where the rest of the band was and where they had their merch set up. We chatted for a little and talked a bit about what I would help with. I bought some merch, a shirt and a CD. They had to leave and go set up because they played at 5:15.

   Watching them this time around was completely different. At this point I knew the lyrics and I had made a connection with some of the songs. It was amazing seeing them live and I don't want to wait to see them again. I'll leave the link to my YT here so you can see some of the set.

   This is Athanel, the bassist and the one that contacted me about helping. Honestly he is kind of inspiring for me. He not only has the band, but also his own barber shop and is an architect. I plan on studying medicine in college. I want to specialize in Psychiatry or Chinese Medicine and open my own practice someday. Sometimes I try to wrap my head around how I am going to do this. I already struggle in Prepa, how am I going to survive college? Then I think about how if he can do all that , maybe I can manage this one thing and be successful like him.



   Next is Kike. Later that night after their set, we were all just standing around literally doing NOTHING. I felt so freaking awkward because I didn't know what to talk about and no one else was saying ANYTHING. I don't remember if something got said beforehand, but he told me “don't get a boyfriend, they're from the devil”. I laughed it off because even though I've tried before, I can't seem to get a boyfriend anyways. Two seconds later he is hugging me. Like wrapping his arms around me hug. I was shocked to say the least because I am not used to people just grabbing onto me like that. It took me a moment to realize who it was and to hug him back. It was so sudden, it even surprised my mom who was sitting to the side and asked me later what it was about. Thinking about it now, I kind of want to hug him again because he is really sweet when you meet him. He is also in another band that is from Monterrey called Inferzenal (hence the t-shirt). Y'all will read about them further down.

   Here are all of us including the drummer, Jorge. I haven't really talked to him much, but he was nice when I met him and he makes really cool drum related videos that he uploads to YT. When I was in elementary school in the US I wanted to join the marching band so I could learn the drum and then the same after we moved and wanting to get to Prepa, so I find his videos interesting.

   If you haven't noticed yet, we are missing something very important to the band in the picture. The singer! I didn't know at the time that that was the singer’s last show with the band. He left pretty quickly after the set, so I didn't get any pictures with him. No worries, though. The singer from their last album, Clarity, was coming back to the band. Pretty much what happened is the band started with the singer from this last show, he left and the new one came in and recorded the album , did a tour and I'm not sure what else, then that singer left and the original one came back. Now the second singer, Luis, is back and they just released a new song and video with him. It is their first song in Spanish and is perfection. I love it and have been listening to it on repeat. Check it out here. The first time I listened to the song when it premiered, I got a little emotional because of the meaning in it. I feel identified with the lyrics and this band and the people in it mean a lot to me. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Luis yet, but I've heard awesome things from a friend that has known him for a long time.

   The thing with the album Clarity, the album that Luis sang on, is that there are songs that are very important and meaningful to me on it. The first song by them that I really got into was Let It Burn, specifically the lyrics “ embrace your pain, so you can be your own hero”. Any of you that have read what I write since the beginning know that a long time ago I would harm myself and unfortunately it left the faintest of scars. They really aren't visible unless you are looking for them up close. The problem is that I know they are there. Back in September when I got my first tattoos, I thought about using the opportunity to cover them up. It sounds ridiculous, but I wasn't mentally ready to cover them up. I had spent so much time trying to accept my depression and the results of it. Those little lines are a reminder that I made it through that rough time. I learned how to embrace my pain and one day, while listening to Let It Burn, I felt ready to let it go. I don't know when or with what I will put over them. I just know that when the time comes, I won't be afraid.
   The second song that has helped me through some hard times is Endless. I have moments, I'm sure just like so many other people, where I feel completely and utterly alone. I often feel like I'm searching for something or someone to fix me up. Especially when things aren’t the best at home or school, I listen to this song and I feel better.

   I swear this wasn't supposed to be so depressing. These are just things that have been on my mind for a while and I wanted to get out. Some people may think that they are just some band. They mean so much more than that to me, to their other fans and I hope they know that.

   On a different note, I met and saw for the first time live Inferzenal. They are from Monterrey and opened for Sleeping With Sirens in 2018. I didn't get to go to that concert because i had just paid school fees and didn't have any money. I started listening to them because Kike is in both bands, so I checked them out. They are the first band I really got into that sang in Spanish. Their songs are the first ones I enjoyed singing along to in Spanish. For me, that was big. I had tried for a long time to get into music in Spanish and just couldn't. Maybe a cover band and whatever my dad listens to, but I never truly became a fan. They were the first. The first song i heard from them was Incapaz, their latest single.

   The singer Crow and the then drummer Alan got to Cafe Iguana around the same time we did. The funny thing here is that at some point before I had bought merch but after bands had started playing, my parents started talking to Crow while watching a band. I'm not sure where I was at that time, but my parents and Crow seemed to really hit it off, so I guess that's cool. I had told my parents about this band and they remembered. My dad was trying to buy me a shirt and cd while I was watching a band. He didn't know what I wanted so my mom pulled me away and I sadly missed the set of a now good friend because of that.

   Let's talk about a very wholesome moment with this band. After they found a shirt in my size and I picked what CD I wanted, I asked them to sign it. They were also handing out bracelets if you followed them on their social media. Alan told me this and I told him I already did, so he asked red or black and tied it on me ( I still have it on 3 ½ months later). Obviously throughout this whole encounter I had to speak out loud and I'm assuming my accent was really heavy that day, because Alan asked me if I knew Spanish very well or something like that. I asked him if he was saying that because of the accent and told him that English is my first language. He told me that I could speak in either, that they all understood (English). That moment was golden for me. My accent is one of my biggest insecurities. Part of why I hate trying to interact with people here most of the time. Back in Acuna I was bullied and mocked over my accent and here people think it's something cute and treat me trying to say difficult words like it's a game. Any of you that are bilingual know that it is not fun when you trip over words while simply trying to get a sentence out. It felt wonderful not having someone question me over it, just accepting it and letting it be. I don't know why, but left the band and now they have this really cool and sweet guy named Chris that's half Mexican and half Swiss (I think?).
   Right after this I went to the bathroom and changed shirts. This was all before Into The Sea showed up and that is why in all the pictures I have the Inferzenal shirt on. I'm thinking they liked that I asked them to sign my CD and that I changed shirts because after their set, they signed one of the set lists and gave it to me. Kike gave me one of his picks too. I was so excited over this that I hugged them.

   This is the end of a very long story. Take from it what you will. I do want to tell you all one more thing. Don't be afraid to try. If an opportunity for anything positive presents itself to you, grab it! But don't beat yourself up if you don't feel ready to. Everyone does things on their own time.

   Goodbye, for now, friends.

Escape The Fate 18-10-19

   Hey everyone! I hope all of you are doing wonderfully and are living your best! I abandoned this thing. Again. Sorry about that. 😅 My last post was a sort of run down of what was happening. This one isn't going to be that way.

   I want to start telling you all about the various concert/band experiences I have had. I always knew that I would enjoy going to concerts, getting to hear my favorite songs live, watching bands play in person and that completely satisfying and happy moment right after and sometimes days after, where everything feels okay. Like I've mentioned before and the base of starting this thing, music helps me handle my depression. Just like so may other people and maybe just like you. I would compare the energy at a concert to smudging your house. It cleans you of all the bad vibes for a while. Putting it simple, concerts make me happy.

   My first concert EVER was on 18-10-19 for the band Escape The Fate. I had mouthed off several months before to my parents, saying wouldn't it be awesome if a band I like came around my birthday. I never expected it to really happen and even less thought I would actually get to go. I've listened to this band for a few years , off and on. Some of their songs mean a lot to me. I took a friend with me, who then was barely more than a kid I knew from school, but is now the closest thing I can call my best friend.

   The show was AMAZING. Two bands opened for them. Into The Sea and Frida (this will be really important later on). I was about 2 people away from the stage and when ETF came on, I was just shocked. I had fun all night, I sang, I screamed along with everyone else. I felt different. The adrenaline rush of the whole thing was new to me, being that excited.

I managed to get pictures with and meet a couple of them before they had to leave.

   This is Robert, he's the drummer in the band. He also happens to be Hispanic and Native American just like me, so that's cool. He was outside the stage area ready to take pictures and meet fans right after their set was over. I was grinning so hard (again, the adrenaline rush of the whole thing). I asked him if I could hug him and he said yeah, sure, but that he's all sweaty. It was so gross, but I didn't care. I had my friend take a picture of us so I could remember this exact moment.

   I also got to meet their guitarist, Kevin “Thrasher” . He had done a contest on Instagram giving away tickets for their tour. My mom commented but trying to get VIP, along with a little bit of my story. She got noticed and won the free entrances, but it didn't really matter since I already had general admission tickets. So my mom messaged him, still trying to get VIP (if you're reading this, I love you mommy 😘). Unfortunately, I didn't get VIP, but I got to meet him anyways. After meeting Robert, we were nearly kicked out of the venue by the personnel and waited around outside. A couple minutes later, Thrasher comes out to meet fans and I barely got back in there to meet him. I told him that I was the crazy lady's daughter that kept messaging him. AND HE REMEMBERED. We actually got to talk a little. He asked me about how I ended up in Mexico, if I liked it here, that kind of stuff. He hugged me TWICE and even hugged my friend for coming to the concert with me and told him to take care of me.

   And finally, after meeting them two, me and my friend waited a few more minutes outside before we got an uber. More than anything, I wanted to meet the other guitarist, TJ. The band came out to get in the shuttle to go back to their hotel and I saw him. For those that don’t know me in person, I am incredibly shy, I have a hard time interacting with people and I hate feeling like I'm being a bother. But I saw TJ and I yelled his name to get his attention and walked up to him, and asked him to write out these lyrics for me so I can get them tattooed. Just listen to this song and you'll see why they're important to me. He had his hands full of stuff and had to shove it off on someone else to be able to do this for me. It meant so much though because he could've said no and gotten into the shuttle. I am still proud of myself for swallowing my nerves and doing that. And that was it. The band got into their shuttle and I ordered the uber to go home. It was definitely an unforgettable experience that I will always hold close to me because it was my first concert and the beginning of me finding where I fit in.

   As of this moment I have now went to a couple other concerts and music events. I always thought that Monterrey didn't really have a music scene until this concert, because I hadn't gotten out enough to know. But now I know and there are some amazing bands here that I will be telling you amazing people about in the next few weeks.

   That's all for this time friends. Stay safe, take care of yourself and never forget that it's okay to not be okay.

Check In #1

Hello everyone. How are all of my amazing readers doing?

   I usually have a topic to talk about when I am writing to you all but a lot has been going on since the last time you heard from me. Think of this as a little check in to keep you up to date on what's happening.

   I sort of made up with the person from my last blog post. We talked and decided on being just friends. I continue to keep my distance though because I see no point in possibly getting all caught up in another sucky situation and hurt again. Things are civil between us but nothing like they were before.
   I finished my second semester with all passing grades. My lowest grade was Math with a 78 and highest was 100 in English. I know I could've done better if I had committed myself to it more, but my depression kicked my butt at the beginning of the semester and things kind of fell apart. I recognized my faults and I can let go of it and not let it bother me now. The semester ended, its in the past. There's no reason to dwell on it.
   I started listening to a band called There For Tomorrow. Soon after I found out they had broken up a few years back. Luckily though the lead singer and drummer started a project together and the singer does solo music too. Not going to lie, the singer, Maika Maile, is really freaking cute 💗 and I got just a little bit obsessed. Look him up and you'll see why.
   I started following this guy on twitter that constantly spreads positivity and love. You all should look him up @MoshWithTyler
   I came out as non binary and gender non conforming to my family. I do not want to make a big deal out of this because I don't want anyone to think this is my whole personality or something. I don't want people to find out and think that my gender identity is all I stand for. It's just another part of me that I've recently discovered. I may or may not write about it in more detail later on. If you have any questions, feel free to send them my way and I will answer them to the best of my capability.

    My third semester for Prepa starts on Monday. Am I a little worried and scared about starting? Of course, I am always worried about meeting new people and now, not only do I get to worry about how people will react to me being American but also about their reaction to me being non binary. Am I completely dreading going and stressing over what people will think of me like last semester? I can confidently say NO. Maybe this has to do with the band I started listening to. Or maybe because I have a friend at school that fully supports me no matter what. Another possibility is that @MoshWithTyler’s positivity is rubbing off on me. It also could have been the acceptance I showed myself towards my grades and my parents’ acceptance towards me coming out. For all I know NONE of this has anything to do with it.

   Or maybe, just maybe, I started loving myself a little bit more than before and now have the strength to make it through each day. I truly am not sure. Things didn't get any easier over summer break. As recently as last night I laid crying in bed because of things that were bothering me. The crying didn't make them go away, but I did feel better after.  A little bit of self love and acceptance go very far when you are struggling just to get through each day.

   I feel like I've been a bit selfish with this post. Only talking about myself. But that's okay, because I know I am just letting some things off my chest. It's something that everyone needs to do once in a while. I truly do want to know how any of you are. If you want to see me write about something specific, let me know. I best associate certain problems or issues with songs I listen to and I have some ideas about songs that have been stuck in my head, so you all my be getting more content sooner than expected.

   So that's it for now.
Drink water. Follow @MoshWithTyler and me @hurt_blog on Twitter. And don't forget that it's okay not to be okay.
Catch you later lovelies. 😘

 

I Want You (Gone)

   Hey guys, it's been a while. I know every time I promise that I'm going to be better at posting more often and every time I fail to do so, This particular post was supposed to be about something completely different, but given current circumstances and situations, that subject no longer holds a space at the front of my mind, maybe it will come back up later, maybe it won't. I guess consider it a lost post.

   I've never withheld any of my thoughts and feelings from you all because I want to be an example that it is okay to feel these things and that there is no shame in hiding it. On that note, I plan to be brutally honest with everything that is about to come out.
   I have been struggling. And bad. I have been feeling helpless and lonely. I have been extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. I want to give up on everything. With my own mental state, my social life and academically. The simple fact of being a teenager is anything but. Add onto that other factors like depression, fear of rejection and the complexities that are my day to day life, things are not easy.

   My breaking point was a few weeks ago when me and my team had to finish a Spanish assignment for the next day. Our subject was about The Poquianchis, a group of serial killer women who prostituted and murdered young girls in Mexico. It is not light reading and i am already so sensitive to everything. I remember so clearly when I started to freak out. I was starting to panic, I couldn't breath. I was crying and I told my team "I am having a panic attack, can someone else please finish this?" The only one that responded was (who I thought was) my best friend. She just told me to calm down. She didn't ask me if I was okay. She didn't ask what she could do to help. It may seem ridiculous to get upset over something like this, but I needed her and she just left me alone.

   What bothered me the most afterwards was realizing that she didn't care about me the way I did for her. I gave her my all. I tried so fucking hard to be there for her because I knew about the problems she goes through at home. I am the one that found out that she self harms and offered to go with her to get help. She asked me to be her best friend after I found out and me (blind with the desperation to have a best friend again) said yes. I constantly worried about her. She had this sort of aura around her that just drew you in. I don't know if maybe I have a thing for the broken and damaged or maybe I just had so much longing to be close to someone, but I was so emotionally invested in her that i didn't realize she just kept taking and never giving anything back. I wanted her to help me fix how broken I feel.


   Needless to say, after I realized the state of mind I was/am in I sat down and talked with my parents about seeing a therapist because I knew I needed help. We're still looking, but I feel better knowing I took the first step towards getting help.
 

   I started pushing her away from me. I needed my own space away from her so I could think about myself for a while. I'm not completely sure what happened, but after I no longer felt the need to have her around, after I realized I wanted her gone from my mental space bubble, she changed. She started acting stuck up and better that the rest of us. She stopped trying to even talk to me in class. She even froze another mutual friend of ours out.
   This, of course, affected the team. Everyone started fighting and she used every excuse she could to say it wasn't her fault that nothing was working and went so far as to blame it on everyone else. She tried to use being depressed as an excuse and I told her that I have diagnosed depression and didn't let that stop me from finishing my work. As if her problems at home made her superior and perfect compared to the rest of us. In my eyes, she was trying to play the victim. And, unfortunately, it worked on some of us.

   I couldn't understand why she began to act this way. Why she doesn't seem to care enough to even try to fix things with me. At the same time, I know she goes through so much and no one deserves to go through what she has. But this doesn't mean she has the right to use people for her own benefit. There are so many things that I don't like about myself, but one thing I pride myself on is that I have not let my situation turn me into someone I don't want to be.

   On the note of my once mutual friend with this girl. The thing is, me and this other girl weren't even really friends with each other. It was more like we just happened to both be friends with the same girl. I found out recently that my ex best friend had told this girl everything she had told me. About the abuse she faces at home and her self harming. And that apparently something I had said had upset her.
   It was after thing had kind of blown over that me and this other girl had (I guess) started bonding over losing the girl as a friend. Even though she was closer to this boy in our team, she ended up getting hurt too. Sometimes it's almost like shes mourning him because they were so close and she misses him terribly. All we know is that my ex best friend must have said something to him. Of course, we aren't sure, but we don't know why else he would have stopped talking to my now friend.

   In the end, I made the conscious decision to let her go. I let go of all the pain and hurt she made me feel. Of the sadness and suffering she radiated off and I let soak into me. I know it seems selfish (to stop helping someone for your own benefit), but I feel lighter. Things look brighter.

   I don't regret having had her as a friend or having to let her go the way i did, because she made me learn a very important lesson that I still hadn’t fully comprehended. I learned that if someone is hurting you, even someone you really care about and they refuse to acknowledge it, you have no obligation to stick around and keep getting hurt. I tried and failed. I accept that and now, after letting that all out and putting it into writing, i can move on.

   So, maybe take my experience that I have now shared with you all as a sort of imaginary permission slip to let go of toxic people in your life. I know I am not perfect and that there are probably 50 other ways I could have handled this situation, but I refuse to put myself through more than I have to. And you shouldn't have to either.


   Goodbye, for now, dear friends.
And never forget, it is perfectly okay not to be okay.